Unseen Kindness

Yesterday all the kids had a great time: they all went out with friends, Olivia to go shopping and everyone else to go sledding.  But the great thing about it all was what I understood after they got home:

• Olivia was invited out by a girl at her school.  As you may know, Olivia is mentally handicapped, so the fact that they did this is a real testament to their character... and it provides a great memory to Olivia who is extremely happy to have gone to the ballet, to McDonald's, and shopping together with someone.
• Ella took Thomas with her because her friend has a little sister for him to play with.  That was nice to see, but what was cool for them was the kindness of her friend's mom, who fed them hot chocolate and pizza and chips.

I didn't see any of this, but that makes it all the more valuable.

The Kids Are Playing Together

We got a trampoline yesterday.  It rained this morning, and it's a bit cold, but that's not stopping the kids from playing on it.  But the greatest thing is that the three of them (Ella, Tolman, and Thomas) are all laughing and playing well together.  It's been about 15 minutes and they haven't argued yet!

It's incredibly satisfying to watch.

Interactive TV

Last night, PBS aired the Nova show "Making Stuff: Cleaner".  The ads for these Nova shows looked interesting, with some technology journalist doing a colorful tour through some new developments; other editions were entitled "Stronger", "Smaller", and "Smarter."  I don't really watch TV, I thought the boys might enjoy these.

So, after their bedtime at eight o'clock, I invited them in to watch.  Tolman, age 9, is always interested in new stuff, so I figured it would hold his attention; Thomas, age 6, was a bit more questionable... would he actually stay and watch, or would he wander off or even distract us by trying to do something else?

It was fantastic.  They would comment and ask questions from time to time; I hate that when watching movies, but this was exactly what I was hoping for.  Halfway through, Thomas got a little blanket to cover himself and get comfortable, and Tolman joined us on the couch.  They asked if we had any solar panels; Tolman's favorite parts involved the expanding foam made of food, the time-lapse decaying strawberries, and the way they processed "peas" (actually wheat) into plastic-like car parts.

And afterward, they went to right to their beds.  Tolman asked if I knew that the sun is 93,000,000 miles from the earth and the moon is 250,000 miles away; he's into details like that.  Then they both quietly read their books.  Aaaaah.  Now that's a good night.

Fresh Air and Conversation

Yesterday was Sunday, and I planned to do some of my own thing, but I wanted to at least show a little effort at being with the kids, so I did take a bit of time with each of them.  (This is my weekly program of spending time about 30 minutes with each of them on Sunday.)  I threw a bouncy ball with Thomas, but made it short.  Then I went with Tolman out to his tree-house (actually a tree-platform right now); he likes to talk, and I mostly just listen.  I actually ended up taking half-an-hour with him; I think being outside did me some good.  Then I went in and woke up Ella who was still in bed; we talked for just a minute, and that was that.  I also sat by Olivia for a minute and we reviewed the calendar for this week since she likes to know what's going on so she can remind us ad nauseum.

I ended up getting nothing of my own done.

So I'm sitting here reminiscing, and I realized what an accomplishment that was: to have a teen do nothing but lie in bed and talk with me is something I've got to appreciate.  :-)  I don't remember many specifics, but I believe the pleasant attitude of the day will linger somewhere in our memories for a while to come.

Sleeping Beauty

"Night. Fight. We fight all night." - Dr. Seuss

My boys stay up and fight with each other (and sometimes with their sisters in the next room) long past the time I put them to bed. If you'd like a personal experience, just ask my mom who has tried to sleep over at our house! But tonight, Thomas fell asleep early and I put him to bed alone... and then I had the rare opportunity to sit quietly and watch him undisturbed for a minute. A sleeping child must be the most peaceful and soothing image in the world.

Adults always have extra plans and expectations, even if just in the back of their minds; they have unspoken judgements or a veiled reluctance to fully invest their attention. In contrast, small children put their whole being into their actions and their expressions. While they're awake, they're 100% genuine; when they sleep, they put the day all behind them and their profiles reveal a gentle slumber that can calm the most troubled soul.

Tonight, I had the privilege of being touched by pure innocence.

Sharing a Shirt

The other morning Thomas walked in wearing a red shirt and said, proudly, "Tolman let me wear his school shirt!" That was pretty amazing since they are pretty possessive about their clothing. I'm accustomed to hearing complaints from the girls about wearing each others' clothes, and maybe that's where the boys picked up the habit; whatever the reason, there are certain pieces of clothing which are their favorites and which regularly start fights between them.

Sure enough, Thomas was wearing the school shirt that Tolman got in kindergarten... which was perfect for Thomas now that he's in kindergarten.Then he said, "It's got Miss Smith on the back." Yep, her self-portrait is in the top-left corner, because Tolman had her back then, too.

He was so proud that you'd have thought he just won a game. And he's right: it is a big deal when your brother does something nice for you like that. And it's a big deal when one son does something nice for another son like that. I've got some praising to do.

The Endurance of a Little Boy

We planned a hike to see a "hole in the rock", where the wind has carved out a deep cave that has worn through to the other side, starting an arch. Thomas (4) wanted to go with us, possibly because we were going on the ski boat. Of course I said "yes". I started questioning the wisdom of that almost immediately since he asked to get on my shoulders as soon as we got off the boat and started walking. Luckily, I had water I could use to coax him along. Halfway along, Uncle Bob broke into song, and after we grew tired of that Thomas started singing one he knew. All in all, it was a good hike to the rock.

We enjoyed climbing around and taking pictures in the strange cave. The view was awesome, and it was much cooler than the desert around it. It would be nice to eat a picnic there or spend a night. Alas, we finally had to leave... but Thomas wanted to stay. I stayed with him a minute longer, but we were with a whole group of people so we had to catch up so they wouldn't have to wait on a child being selfish. I insisted it was time to leave, but Thomas wouldn't have it. "I'm staying here!"

"OK," I said, and I left him.

Tolman was concerned; I had to reassure him that I would not leave Thomas in danger. Luckily there is a small hill close to the formation, so I got out of sight and slowed down to wait. Thomas was crying, howling as loud as he could, but soon I could tell that he was coming. I continued my stroll. When he got closer, I asked if he'd like me to wait for him; he only scowled in answer, so we continued with him a dozen paces behind. Later I asked him again and got the same response. Finally he said "yes," so I walked with him.

He complained a bit about the hot sun on his neck, but he didn't give up and break down again. So I pushed it: we were far behind the others so I started jogging and encouraging him along faster. He came along! At one point he hurt his ankle and we walked for a short minute; he complained again about the sun, but he kept going; he drank the last of the water along the way. But we made it, and he stayed a trooper the rest of the time.

It's awesome to watch someone grow up right in front of you.

The Police Are Watching

It was Saturday, and since there was plenty of work to do with our family business, I planned to go in to that office to get some things done. I played basketball at 8, ate breakfast, and then made some phone calls for our sick Olivia and for our broken computer, and by that time I felt I should just go in my sweats without showering or shaving; before walking out he door, Lynnette took one look at me and asked if I was going like that; I've learned some of the basic hints, so I put on a baseball cap so I wouldn't "scare anyone"... or maybe so that she wouldn't be embarrassed if I met anyone she knows.

Since Lynnette was working and doing chores, I offered to take Thomas, our 4-year-old who is infamous for throwing tantrums and being difficult at the worst possible times. (All our four kids are adopted; I'm afraid we would have stopped with him if he were our first.) There's always a chance that he'll throw a huge wrench in the plans, but he's definitely easier to handle one-on-one, so I hoped he would cost me at most a half-hour sitting in time-out.

I actually thought to bring along fruit snacks and his coat, which is not like me. I threw them in the seats along with the rest of my mess; when I've got multiple projects going on, you can see my disorganization spread throughout my car.

As we left, Thomas asked, "Can I ride my scooter?" He's a funny kid: sometimes he likes to walk to our destination while I drive close by, at least part of the way. Of course, he wanted to ride his scooter in the middle of the street; I made him ride on the other side of the street while I drove on my side, not too far ahead or behind lest he yell for me to stay close to him.

We went almost a mile, crossing one street and approaching the next street just before the freeway, so I said, "Thomas, I'd like to go fast now. Would you come in so we can go? You can have a fruit snack." He thought a sec and said "OK!" and brought his scooter across the street; I popped the trunk and fit his scooter in with the junk, then let him in the car and gave him a treat.

We took off, and as we got on the freeway I remembered his seat-belt, so I pulled over and buckled him in.

It's only 10 minutes to the downtown 4th South exit. We got off and headed to the next street. As I was waiting to turn onto 5th South I noticed a police car immediately behind me and to the left, angled to get right behind me and in front of the next car in line. Weird, I thought; you don't often see a cop doing something strange in traffic. As soon as I turned, his lights went on and he pulled me over. Great.

He came up to my window and asked me for my license and registration, but before I even got them he said, "I need you to put your keys on top of the car." OK... now I was getting a bit nervous. I instinctively went to my pockets, and of course he barked, "Get your hands out of your pockets, Sir." Sorry! Then he looked in the back and asked about Thomas, and said he'd need Thomas to get out of the car. OK... now I was extremely nervous. I start recalling stories about impersonators, and I wonder who I need to call to verify that everything's on the up-and-up. I asked him something (I don't recall what), and he quickly says, "We had someone report a man picking up a little boy on a scooter."

What a relief!

Seriously, that bit of information was a monumental shift in my perspective. One second earlier I was feeling scared and physically jittery, both for my son as well as myself. However, after hearing that, those feeling immediately washed away and I was genuinely appreciative and even giddy that a policeman was watchful enough to see us and stop us out of concern for Thomas; I was also glad that someone called in, worried for him... because this happened to be a situation where everything was extremely suspicious: a young Hispanic boy scooting along alone, followed by a grungy, white driver who offers him candy to get in a rather disheveled car. (I wonder these kinds of situations are actually common with me?)

The policeman took Thomas behind my car and knelt down to talk with him. Others arrived; I was asked if I had a picture, and other questions (such as if I had called anyone, since I had my phone out looking for pictures). They called Lynnette to ask her some questions, too. (You'll have to ask her about that sometime.) Police kept arriving until there were at least 8 around, with at least 5 police cars behind me as well as in the next lane over. I'm not exaggerating. Finally, they were fairly satisfied and they let me get out and be with Thomas; when they were totally finished I went around and shook everyone's hand. They gave Thomas a teddy bear. It was smiles all around... and especially for me. It turned into one of those cool times when you feel a glow for hours, appreciating people who have just done something magnificent for you.

Comfort

Thomas is our boy who resists doing anything new, so I was very happy when he agreed to practice riding a bike without training wheels. Sure enough, he pedaled hard, so he's almost ready to go it alone; he just has to be able to brake and stop by himself. So that's what we practiced: stopping without falling down.

I'm used to running around for basketball, but for some reason his starts and stops and near-crashes quickly had me winded!

After a number of tries, he started saying that he wanted to do it by himself. He's quite ready to pedal by himself, and maybe I should have allowed him to go and see for himself what happens at the end. But I said I'd help start and push him ONLY if we practice stopping, too; if he wanted me to totally let him go, then I would also let him get started all by himself. He kept asking, so I let him do it all by himself. He struggled to get on the bike, but he fell; I cushioned his fall, but he put his face down on the cement and balled. I sat down next to him. We just sat there for a minute while he wailed. He took his time and yelled for the sympathy of anyone nearby, spilling tears on the driveway.

Then he moved over to get next to me, curled up on his side, put his head in my lap, and went quiet. I put my hand on his shoulder. And we just sat for a while. The sky was overcast and a breeze was blowing, cool but comfortable here as we're emerging from winter. I hope I'll never lose that snapshot of us sitting there, with nobody else nearby... everything still and silent except for the company of the winter wind.

What a marvellous thing, to be trusted as a source of comfort!

A new swimmer

We went to a pool yesterday for Ellie's family birthday party. I'm not much for swimming, but the kids all wanted me to get in. OK. Well, this time something fantastic happened.

You see, Thomas, like his brother before him, has been very reluctant to get in the water very much. This year he finally put his face in the water, but he has still just stood in one place and not gone any further, no matter how much we prodded. Last time he did go a step further: he would jump to me from the side of the pool. He liked to have me carry him around on the top of the water, acting like Superman.

But this time, as he jumped toward me from the steps, I went out further, and he jumped all the way in the water and kept his head down and kicked to make it all the way to me! I couldn't believe it. He did it over and over, calmly keeping his head down and holding his breath until he was ready to grab my hands and pull himself up. So I told him to keep kicking his legs (and he made sure by asking later "I kick my legs?"), and sure enough he'd jump in and kick himself forward to me. I even had him jump from me toward the steps; one of those times he didn't quite make it and came up coughing and sputtering and he didn't want to do that for a while, but he did it again before we left. It was awesome, and he really had a great time doing it, over and over. He's going to end up being a good swimmer.

As I said, Tolman took a long time to really get in the water and swim, but he really takes to the water now; someone yesterday called him a fish. I see Thomas turing out the same way.

At night, Lynnette and I watched the Olympics and saw Michael Phelps win the 4x100 race, breaking a world record by a full body-length. They did a story on him, telling how his coach talked to his mother about aiming for the Olympics when he was 11 years old. The best part was when his mother told what happened after he won his first gold medal: he was walking toward her, genuinely excited and happy about winning, and he reminded her of when he was a little boy, peanut butter sandwich in had, so excited about something that his eyes just shone.

Who knows what accomplishments I'll see in my kids' futures? All I know is that I've had a taste of what it's like when they do better, and I smile as I anticipate more of it in the future.

A morning goodbye

This morning, I did something right. Thomas was a bit reluctant to go to day-care this morning, and when we got there he said he wanted to go home. This was a bit frustrating, because I struggled with him a bit getting his shoes as we left and I was already somewhat late for work. But I sat and hugged him for a minute. I held him tight. He was a bit limp at first, so I made him put both his arms all the way around me. He does know how to hold on when he wants! After a minute, his friends started calling him, and he wanted to look around at them, but I kept holding him and I turned him into me so that he would not be distracted from our hug. A little later, he started pushing me away playfully; he punched me softly and bumped my head with his, obviously feeling better. So I let him go, and he stood there, probably waiting to feel more comfortable about running to his friends. (He tends to react to new situations very slowly.) I left at that point, feeling extremely warm from holding him and leaving knowing that we were parting in good spirits.

That's what this is all about.

July 4th with the family

Yesterday was West Bountiful's Independence Day Celebration. Yes, it is still June, but our city does our stuff on a weekend far from the national celebration so as to avoid conflicting with everything else that happens. We're a small town in the middle of a large urban area (we still have horse property all around us!), so we have the feeling of a smaller community. I really enjoyed our little parade, carnival, and then time afterward as a family. The whole day was kind of up-and-down; there was a lot of complaining and crying and disappointment and outright boredom, but there were also a ton of smiles and mingled in our myriad of activities. I was pondering life issues this morning and I realized that it was truly a memorable day, and a fond memory at that, so it is worth recording here.

It began with our city parade. Ella and Tolman sang in the school choir, so they got to ride and sing in a float.









Thomas and Olivia seemed to really enjoy it. Olivia was up and around, cheering for the floats, and waving enthusiasticallythe whole time; between that and chasing after all the candy thrown out, it was quite the interactive event.













Then we went to the park where the first performance was the school choir. Naturally, Ella sang with all her might; Tolman sang some things, though I don't have a picture to prove it. The kids did well... for kids. But it seems to be more fun to watch what they do on stage that isn't part of the performance, especially when they're supposed to be performing.


















Of course, the kids had to go on the blow-up slides and obstacle courses; anyone who knows Olivia, Tolman, and Ellie will recognize a bit of their personalities in each of their styles.





And this is where I have to give a hand to Lynnette, because she took every one of these pictures; Thomas went down a slide, too, but we don't have a picture of it because I took him to the different one that he wanted to go on, and I don't typically take pictures. Sorry about that.












So then the cousins invited us over for swimming, just to make the day perfect. (That last picture is of Ella's legs: she's doing a handstand underwater.)















Yes, I'm skipping over the part where Thomas threw screaming fits at the park, and where I was disappointed at going swimming because I wanted a peaceful afternoon at home. But for some reason it's easy for me to forget about those parts as I consider what yesterday meant to my family. And I didn't even mention how the kids got to stay up late at the neighbor's house (yes, all the kids), or how I helped take down at the park, or how Lynnette and I put together a few bookshelves, and how we quietly watched the city's fireworks from afar on our porch.

Hm. Yep. A heck of a summer day.

A good dinner

Our youngest, 3-year-old Thomas, is our most difficult child because he is very willful and has an extremely short fuse; my sister-in-law has 6 children, and even she says that he's the hardest she's dealt with, so I know he's a special case. In every activity with us, he has at least one fit where he screams or throws a tantrum or actually throws something. He is getting much better with us (or vice versa) because there are times that we can pay direct attention to him and go through the steps of "please..." and then "I need you to..." and then a time-out, and he'll often come around. But it is incredibly frustrating to deal with someone who is constantly contrary.

So it was very surprising and rewarding last night that he came and sat down with us for dinner, and furthermore he didn't complain one time as we ate! When I asked him to move over to make room for someone, he said "OK" and did it right then. He talked to us calmly and said "only a little" as we gave him his salad, and he didn't yell or push away his plate when I put on the second fork-full. He ate all his dinner; he's an interesting one because he usually likes all his vegetables (and prefers them to meat), but he doesn't often eat everything like that.

I found myself pleasantly surprised that we had such a nice time together, and even now it is so gratifying that dinner last night was so... normal. Many good memories are emotional moments in unique situations; this one will be a treasure not because it was so remarkable but because it was such a departure from all our previous experience.

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I realize that I did not praise Thomas for his behavior. How many times do we have a normal interaction with someone and fail to recognize that blessing in the moment, much less fail to express appreciation for it? Yesterday at work, Gordon was remarking on how much pain we've had in the past when making large-scale improvements to our product, and now we reap the benefits and consider our current situation as normal but we hardly recall how much work it took to get to this point. Yes, I feel lucky right now to have the everyday life that I do.